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Parenting Seminar Update: 

Mark your calendars for Thursday, January 14, 2010

 On January 14th, 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm, counselors will be presenting “High School and Beyond”  in our media center.  This will not replace the high school choice nights, but instead is an overview of high school graduation and college entrance requirements.  See you there!

It takes place in the Media Center from 6-8pm  

 

One of our seminars, “How to Survive Middle School” was held on October 2nd, 2008.  Parents heard presentations on the issues and dangers our kids face in our community.   A panel of community members including local law enforcement, counselor Mrs. Miranda, and our assistant principals, shared about the issues and dangers our kids face in our community.  Panelists provided detailed information to help parents support and supervise their teens.  We encourage you all to stay involved and provide opportunities for your kids to be with peers while under the watchful eyes of adults.  Teens have a legitimate need to socialize.  They are also very vulnerable to the suggestion of the “group” and are capable of surrendering all judgment no matter how well they were raised.  Responsible parents often give up a portion of their own social life to make sure the kids are safe. They need you as a safety net, even though they will protest that you “don’t trust me.”  It is not about trust.   Prevention is all about avoiding the opportunity to get into trouble. 

 

Following is the Presentation by Counselor Angie Miranda

 

Carmel Valley Middle School:  Parent seminar:  Thursday, Oct 2, 2008

 

Surviving Middle School (for the parents!)

           

·         Understanding Middle School Teens

           

·         Developing a Safety Net 

 

Transitioning from elementary to middle school is a significant life change.  It comes at a time when their bodies and emotions are changing dramatically, and school structure is more complex and demanding.   

 

Understanding your child is the first step to helping him transition positively:  

  1. Kids at this age are not all alike.  They may be 12 years old and 6 ft tall or 14 and only 5 foot.  They develop at different rates.  Don’t judge their behavior and maturity against some artificial standard and find them lacking.  They need time.
  2. They live in the moment…looking ahead to consequences and outcomes is a struggle.
  3. They vacillate between childhood and adulthood.  They are totally out of balance.  They are likely more childlike at home and more mature among friends.  The discomfort of this awkward stage leaves them totally self conscious.
  4. In an effort to fit in, be accepted by peers, they are even more sensitive and vulnerable to criticism.
  5. This time is the beginning of thinking rationally and abstractly, but they are also at their most distracted, disorganized stage.  They will be forgetful and highly emotional.  It is a wild ride for them as well as you!
  6. Dependency on home and parents is abandoned for “freedom”, but freedom to the teen is actually slavery to the dictates of the peer group. 
  7. The drive for independence from adults gives them one single perspective…their own, which depends a lot on what their friends think and believe. 
  8. The pressure to conform, to fit in, to be accepted, is immense, but it is precisely in this peer arena that they are at the greatest risk.  They don’t like hearing the word “no”, but a well thought out “no”, done with wisdom and safety in mind, is precisely what they often need.  “No” gives them to chance to save face in the peer group and blame you!
  9. Remember, they need and want to be with friends all of the time, but in an unsupervised group, they are likely to be even more “judgment impaired” that on their own!

 

Developing a Safety Net

 

Your job as a parent is to have some understanding and compassion for their developmental challenges, hold them accountable, and yet be viewed as a valued helper, a consultant, a good listener, a guide and mentor.  Tall order!!!

 

How to set rules and boundaries while maintaining a loving relationship/home:  

 

  1. Your love and approval are very powerful.  Love is most effectively expressed by your actions. 
    1. Spend time with your child in activities he enjoys
    2. Be sensitive to your child.  Encourage more and criticize less.
    3. Be an active listener.  You have had your chance to lecture and advise.  Rely on the values you no doubt have already recorded in his brain over the years…  Start listening and let your child know you value her opinion, even if you don’t agree.
    4. Show respect and demonstrate self restraint.  Be calm and reliable. 

 

  1. Discipline is not punishment.
    1. Set simple clear rules.  Keep them few and basic to safety.

For example:  You must always ask in advance to go to someone’s house so I can call and check with the parents.

Chores should be specified with a date and time for completion

    1. Be firm and fair in communicating about rules.  Listen to your    child’s view/explanation and then state your position.  If you need more time to decide, say, “let me think about this”.  If your child is upset about a consequence and trying to talk his way out of it, just use words like, “nevertheless”, “regardless” and restate the rule. 
    2. Make it clear that your child made a choice.  You are not arbitrarily holding him/her accountable. 
    3. If emotions are escalating, you need to be the one to de-escalate.  Lower your voice, state your position, and tell your child that this discussion will not continue unless everyone is respectful.  Leave the room if any “mouthiness” continues.
    4. Remind your child that you know they may mess up sometimes.  Create a “mess up, fess up” environment where they know you value honesty and consequences are not so severe or intolerable that they have to lie to you.  Consequences should be short term and immediate.
    5. Discipline is always a balancing act.  Studies have shown that highly authoritarian parents create children with low self esteem who can’t make good decisions.  Permissive parents create children who lack self control and responsibility.

 

  1. Network with the parents of your child’s friends. 
    1. Talk to them about your rules
    2. Always call and make sure the activity your child is going to is supervised
    3. Let other parents know that you would welcome their calls if they had concerns or heard rumors about your child.

 

  1. BE the hang out!
    1. Encourage healthy fun activities at your home (pizza, movies, games)
    2. Observe, observe.  You may see danger signs in some of your child’s friends.  Give them a chance, but the bottom line is, if you see smoke, there is fire.  You may have to limit contact.

 

  1. Help your child anticipate and prepare for trouble
    1. Role play possible situations.  “What would you say if your friend wants to sneak out at a sleepover and go to the park?”  “What will you do if some older boys offer to drive you home?”  “What will you do if someone sneaks alcohol into the party and offers you some?”
    2. Have an excuse made up that your child can use to get out of a difficult situation.  Think of a code word that means, “Mom, you need to save me…call this parent and say I have to come home”.

 

  1. Encourage involvement in healthy activities
    1. Research shows a significant correlation between healthy activities and less likelihood of substance abuse
    2. The number one effective prevention “activity”  is involvement in a faith based organization
    3. Sports, music lessons, community service, etc. are all wonderful as well.  Keep them busy!